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5 Things You Can Do to Help Someone With an Eating Disorder
By Trisha Gura

The first step is simple -- but never easy. You’ve got to be willing to face the truth yourself. Like alcoholism, eating disorders are long-standing, biologically-based illnesses. They are intertwined in relationships, maybe even yours to the person you love.

Be prepared for an up-and-down journey toward healing. Eating disorders are filled with shame and secrecy, clever tactics, the creation of alternate realities, and a Pandora’s Box of emotions. But remember, the outcome of your actions today can make a big difference. People who are treated earliest do the best. So start today. Here are five tactics that YOU can do to help. A word of caution, don’t expect instant or even overnight changes. If you’re committed to helping someone, you need to be patient -- and persistent. You can make a difference and you can make a change, the first step.

1. Do Your Homework: There are many books, articles, and brochures about eating disorders. Trusted sources include the National Eating Disorders Association and the Academy of Eating Disorders. In the “Truth in Numbers” section of www.trishagura.com, I distinguish myths from facts around topics of weight, nutrition, and exercise. I also list a wealth of helpful organizations, many with hotlines. This kind of information will acts as your bolster when you eventually have to reason with your loved one. Information is the counter to any faulty ideas or untruths that your friend, wife, mother, or grandmother may use as excuses to go on with their disordered eating patterns.

2. Start a dialogue, by being honest. One way to begin is to sit down with your loved one and express your concerns. Talk about what behaviors and patterns you are observing. For example, “I’ve been noticing how little you eat at meals and that you are irritated all the time. I see you never wanting to go out to dinner with us as a family. Can you tell me what’s been on your mind…?”

3. Be caring, but resolute. Allow long pauses for your loved one to respond. She may or may not. Pausing helps force a response. But be aware of manipulation. Remember, an eating problem is often functioning as a person’s intimate lover, her baby. She is going to do everything to hang onto that child. So do not begin a dialogue with promises or threats that you cannot keep. For example, don’t say, “I’ll promise to keep your secret, no matter what.” Or, “If you do this one more time I’ll walk out of our relationship.” At the same time, you don’t want to enable the problem by agreeing never to bring it up again because your loved one says, “It’s just too painful to talk about” or “It’s my own business.” You are a family/friend. It’s your business too.

4. Reiterate your love for her/him and look for positives. A person, who is suffering from an eating problem, by definition, has atrociously low self esteem. She already feels deep shame and misery about the problem. Remind her about how much you love her and talk about positive aspects of her personality, successes, or life. Say something like, “I know what’s happening to you. It hurts me to see you go through this. I know how to get help. And I am with willing to support you in whatever way I can while we get that that help. I love you.”

5. Give positive feedback about body image—and follow it yourself. You may think that complimenting your partner’s body may be just the antidote to her eating issue. Be careful. Some women assume you are lying to make them feel better, and others do not want attention drawn to any body part. The antidote is whatever she says helps her most. If that is more compliments, then give them. But make sure you are sincere. If your views of food and body fit an impossibly thin standard, your attitude is what your partner perceives, more than what your words say.

Finally, a special note if the person you’re concerned about is a child. If you’re worried about your son or daughter getting an eating disorder or developing childhood obesity, there’s a basis for your concern. Studies show that children as young as two years of age are exhibiting behaviors such as overeating, vomiting after overeating, and refusing food—all gateways to eating disorders.

Prevention begins with a conversation about eating – that’s it’s not just about eating to be a certain “ideal” weight; eating is also about having energy for play, activities and sports. Bring that up. If your son or daughter says something like, “I hate my body,” or “Grandma says I am fat and should go on a diet,” you can stand you child in front of the mirror and say, “Nine-year-olds need food to play and have fun. You play soccer and girls who play sports need fuel from food to play well. You’re beautiful just the way you are today. And I love you very VERY much.” Then turn to the mirror and say the same words to yourself.